And our tale adds another chapter
Chapter 6
I placed the remote down... the VCR spinning the tape to the end...
where it would then auto rewind.
/ What does it mean to exist?/
The question prodded my mind... it wouldn't be ignored.
My thoughts shifted into my own mind...
[Do you have a reason to exist?]
I don't understand the question.
[Shinji has his... but do you have a reason to exist?]
No...
[So then you don't exist?]
I exist... but I don't matter.
[Why don't you matter?]
It's not important.
[Why?]
Because I'm not important.
[Circular logic. "I don't matter because I am not important."]
Maybe it is because of circular logic that I exist?
[You doubt your words]
Because they are my words and I am nothing.
[Your words are nothing?]
Because I am nothing.
[If you are nothing then how are we talking?
I don't know.
[Doubt
So what?
[Evasion
I'm not evading
[Deceit
Yes... I am misleading you... I am awful.
[For your words?
No... simply because I am awful.
[Why?
Because I hate myself.
[Why?
Because I have no purpose.
[Everyone has a purpose.
Not me. I'm nothing. I'm awful. I hate myself.
[Why?
Because I have no purpose
[Deceit.
No it isn't... I'm not lying. I hate myself. No one loves me.
[Does it matter?
Yes it does. It does to me.
[How can something matter to nothing?
It just does.
[If something matters to nothing then nothing must be something.
I guess.
[Why does it matter to you
I don't know.
[Why?
I don't know.
[Evasion.
I want to be loved.
[But to be loved must you not hate yourself first?
Why should I?
[Because how can one love one who hates themselves?
I don't know.
[Doubt.
Of course I doubt. I doubt why I exist. I doubt the ability of me to like
myself. I doubt the ability for others to like me.
[Your mother liked you.
She was forced to. She was my mother after all... it is hard for a parent to
hate their child overlong.
[You doubt a mother's love?
I doubt any love for me.
[But yet you hope for love... how?
I hope there is someone who can love me for who I am.
[Faults and all?
Yes.
[Contradiction.
I know.
[Why is it you want love, but cannot accept it?
I don't know...
[ You don't know or you can't say?
I can't say...
{Blackness}
{Light... Sound a place above the session.
Ego: You think he'll be better because of this?
Ami: Oh Ego he has to be... he just has to... if he goes on living like this...
then...
Hope: How is he doing... and don't turn around.
Ego *halting*: A bit better we hope... but we just don't know Hope.
Ami: All we have is hope.
Hope: That's why I'm here. I'll be near... don't look for me.
{Later... Below}
[Why do you think you exist?
To exist.
[Insufficient.
To hate myself.
[That is not a purpose.
It is mine.
[By hating yourself you have a purpose... therefore you have a reason to exist... therefore you
exist to hate yourself.
Yes... you are correct.
[No I am quite wrong. How do you expect someone to love you?
I don't know.
[Why?
Because I don't
[Why?
I already said why.
[Deceit. Why?
I am afraid.
[Of What?
Knowing why.
[You are afraid of knowing why you hate yourself?
Yes.
[Why?
Because I fear it is baseless.
[So you hope you are not here to just hate yourself?
Yes... I hope that is so.
[Why?
Like you said... no one can love someone who only hates.
[You hate?
Yes... I hate myself, Because I exist without purpose.
[What do you wish your purpose was?
To be loved.
[And it is not already?
I'm too full of hate.
[At?
Myself... the world... everything.
[Why?
Because I can't fulfill the purpose I desire.
[Greed
Is it so wrong?
[Vanity.
I just want to be happy!
[Then be happy.
I can't
[Why?
Because I am unhappy.
[Your unhappiness is all in your mind.
I know that.
[Then change.
I can't
[Why?
The world won't let me.
[Why?
It likes me as I am.
[And that is not enough?
No... because I cannot love... or be loved.
[Ami loves you.
Because I created her to.
[But she loves you.
She doesn't exist!
[She exists in your mind.
That doesn't matter.
[You love her.
That matters less.
[Because she doesn't exist?
Yes... no.
[Evasion.
Yes because it is that I love another, and no because the fact remains she is
immaterial.
[But if she were material you could love her?
I don't know
[Why?
How could she love me if I'd yet to stop hating myself?
[If you stopped could you love her?
Yes...
[But could she still love you?
I don't know.
[Why?
Because I made her when I hated myself. The spark may be gone.
[You like to torture yourself this way?
It is one of the ways I prove I exist... even without a purpose.
[Abuse of yourself gains nothing. It is not a purpose.
It's something to do.
[There are other things to do.
Like what.
[You could try to like yourself.
Improbable.
[Why?
I do not like myself.
[People change.
Improbable
[Ami likes you... she is a part of you. Therefore some part of you wants to stop
the hate.
It's in the minority
[Why?
Because it almost doesn't exist. And even if it did... it would just be another
thing in existence for me to ignore.
[You ignore those who exist?
I ignore myself.
[You ignore those who exist?
I exist with them... and they are happy that I too exist. They like me as I am
but I do not like me as I am. I want to change.
[Then change.
I can't.
[Nothing is set in stone.
No?
[No... Everything changes... people change... you can change.
Because it is not written in stone?
[Correct.
But you said you are always wrong.
[On this I am correct.
Why?
[Because you accepted it... therefore what was wrong becomes what is right. It
is now accepted... it therefore can't be wrong... Can it?
Why are you asking me?!
[Because you are the one who questions the self, and I am the one who questions
why you question the self. And So I question you. So if something is accepted it
can't be wrong. . . Can it?
I don't know.
[Why do you doubt?
Cause I do not trust my answer to be correct.
[If you accept it, it is correct.
I can't accept it.
[Then it is wrong.
Maybe.
[Doubt.
Of course I doubt.
[Why do you doubt this time?
I do not trust my answer. I can't trust it.
[Why can't you trust it?
Because it is my answer.
[Could you agree if someone else agreed to it?
Maybe...
[Doubt. Why do you trust so little?
I do not trust myself.
[Why do you not trust yourself?
Because I can be wrong.
[Is it because you hate yourself?
Yes... I can't trust what I hate.
[But you don't trust others... and so you hate everyone. Hmm... you are
repeating yourself. If someone were right would you trust them?
Maybe... maybe I could trust them on the thing they were right about.
[I say you that you hate yourself, and do not know truly why. Am I correct?
Yes.
[But I am wrong.
How?
[I do not accept that I am right about you. Therefore on that I am wrong.
I don't understand.
[What is right and wrong... truth or falsehood... is based on the individual.
You believe that I am right about you hating yourself because you agree with
that... but I do not agree. One of us has to be right... and I am wrong. You are
agreeing to a Falsehood... so you too are wrong.
But I hate myself!
[That is wrong as I have already proven.
But it's right to me!
[But I am a Part of you... Ami is a Part of you... and we disagree. Therefore
you are wrong to think you hate yourself because you do not entirely agree with
yourself.
You are manipulating me.
[Correct. I am manipulating you. I am now more trustworthy...
No... manipulating people is wrong.
[Morality. That is not the issue here. I am more trustworthy because I am right
on 2 things. I manipulate you, and you do not hate yourself entirely.
You are confusing me.
[Is it not man's existence to be confused? What makes up a quark? What makes up
those? Infinite Regression. A thing which is confusing.
You are right.
[Another feather in my cap. Am I right in saying you'd LIKE to be able to like
yourself?
Yes.
[You are headed down the right path now.
Because if I don't hate myself, and I might be able to like myself... I may be
able to love, and therefore by that I may have a purpose, and that I may exist?
[If you did not exist... we wouldn't be talking... like I said before.
Yes, you did.
[So you Exist?
Yes.
[So you have a purpose in that you are trying to be loved?
Yes.
[So you would like to like yourself?
Yes.
[Then you must change.
I must?
[You must accept that you must change for this to be. Hate... to Love. Fear to
Trust. Nothing to Something.
And since I'm not nothing I'm on my way!
[Yes.
I exist. I can like myself. I can like me the way I am. I can accept that I am
who I am. I can accept the world, for it accepts me.
{Above}
Ego: *hanging jaw* I almost don't believe it.
Ami: We must hope that he is sincere.
Hope: Hope survives... I must go now... I'm needed elsewhere.
Ami: You sound tired Hope... does your day off approach?
Hope: I... um... spent it already Ami.
Ami: Did you have a good time.
Hope: *quavering* Um... ah... yes Ami... I did. *quieter* A wonderful time.
Hope: I must go now...
Ego: Good luck.
Hope: I hope I'll not need that... but thanks anyway. If I need it I hope it
helps.
Ami: Fight on, Hope.
Hope: Be good to each other.
{Below... Jason ejects the tape and puts it away. He considers smiling}
The End.
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